It’s the last day of the year and I’m doing my annual soul searching and journal writing – and I thought I’d share my thoughts with you.
I’m not one for making New Years Resolutions. I find I break them too quickly because they don’t come from the heart but rather from a desperation to see something change without really wanting the change.
Does that make sense?
In the past I’ve picked a word and I’ve held that word close to my heart. Perseverance. Determination. Love. Hope. I would focus on that word throughout the year and pray that it remained true, that it would be a guiding light when things got rough and dark.
Sometimes it worked. Most times, I lost hope.
Hope is such an easy thing to lose, isn’t it? It’s easy to tell someone to hope, to keep the faith, to never give up, but more often than not, those words are empty and only said because we don’t know what else to say.
This year, I’m all about change. I’m embracing it with a full heart. Excitement stirs within me at the idea of change. Instead of being afraid of what’s to come, I smile when I think of what 2018 will be like for me.
And being able to smile while looking at the future isn’t something I’ve been able to do in a long time. I’ve lost my hope, my trust, my faith in amongst the vortex of what my life has been like for the past 2 years. It’s hard to admit, but then, admitting the truth isn’t always easy, is it?
I’m not normally one to embrace change. Sure, I like a challenge and I get excited at the possibilities that may come, but it takes me a while to get to that point. This journey I’ve been on, it’s been a 2 year long (or possibly longer) journey of getting myself ready for what’s to come. I can feel it in my bones.
But what does this all mean? What kind of change am I preparing myself for this coming year?
In everything. Truly.
- My family is changing from having 3 dependent children to them growing up. I have 3 beautiful daughters. One who is an adult. One who will be an adult this summer and one who acts like she already is one even though she’s got 3+ years till she hits that point (and this is where all you moms nod your head because you fully understand what I’m saying).
- My marriage has changed – it’s not what it once was – and that’s a good thing. It’s been unhealthy for a very long time and an unhealthy marriage isn’t good for anyone – myself, my husband or my children. Being separated has opened my eyes to a lot of things in my life – about who I am and what I was settling for. About what I was ignoring and what can be ignored no longer. Separation sucks and being broken hurts but the growth that comes from all of this…it will be good. It has to be.
- My writing has changed – I’m going in a new(er) direction from where I’ve been in the past plus I’m coming out with a new pen name later this year for reasons I’ll save for another blog post.
- I’m changing – and honestly, I think this one is the most important change of all. I’m focusing on who I am at the core of my being. I’m rediscovering who I AM…me, the girl, the woman, the mother, the adult. It’s been so easy to lose myself in the roles I hold – and in losing myself, I’ve lost that happiness, the joy, the sparkle that made me…ME. I’m making myself important rather than placing myself last – and that’s a huge change.
- My faith. I’ll be honest with you – I’ve been angry with God for a few (okay, maybe more than a few) years now. These past few months, I’m finally letting go of that anger and I’m refocusing on who God is – to me. I doubt I’ll ever go back to church, but being a church member doesn’t have any bearing on my relationship with God. I’ve lost my ability to trust in God, to lean on Him, to even want to pray and listen to what He wants to say to me. And that makes me sad. So I’m taking the steps to change that. I want to have a relationship that is pure, and real and isn’t weighed down by religion. it will be interesting to see where this journey takes me.
2018 has got to be a different year for me. It has to. I’m determined to make it so – which means it will happen. See…the word I’ve taken as my word for the year is CHANGE (which I think is obvious by now). I’m ready for change to happen in my life – in every aspect of my life – and it will be a journey I can’t wait to enjoy. I am prepared for the ups and downs, I’m prepared for the struggles and the moments where I feel I’ve had enough, that I can’t carry any more weight on my shoulders – but I’m determined those moments will be few and far between. I need them to be because the past two years have been hell.
Do you have a word for yourself this year? I’d love if you shared it with me. I plan on being accountable to you with this word and what’s happening in my life – I find accountability helps me stay on track.
Good bye 2017! Hello 2018 – I’m ready for you!