This hasn’t been the easiest of posts for me to write. I’m pretty sure I’ve deleted more words than I’ve written and I’m still not sure if what I’m trying to actually say makes any lick of sense either but if you’ve been in my shoes, hopefully you’ll understand.
As a mother with three teenage daughters, I’ll admit that I knew this day was coming. I’ve been preparing myself for the emotional rollercoaster, I read parenting blogs, books, gravitate towards those who have ‘gone before me’ and I’ve been trying to prepare my husband as well. Three teenage daughter growing up in society today is not going to be easy.
But I didn’t expect it to be this hard either.
I’m glad that my daughters are growing up in a society where mental health is talked about. I’m thankful that there are resources available for them when they need the help. I’m grateful for the awareness that is out there now amongst peers and teachers and others in authority. I can’t say enough how thankful I am to those who are around my children, people who can see the signs, who actively listen to what they say when they think no one is hearing them and who take the steps to ensure there is help available when it’s needed.
When I grew up, mental health wasn’t something we openly discussed. Depression, anxiety, addiction, suicide…these were all things you whispered about, things you turned a blind eye too…but not today.
Thank God, not today.
This past month hasn’t been an easy one in our household, for a multitude of reasons. Mental health isn’t just an issue, it can be a crisis and as a mom/wife/woman – I wish I could say I know what to do, how to react, what to say/not say…but I don’t. I wish I could do better. Be better. But I’m not. But this past month – I’m learning that’s okay though.
It’s okay to not be okay. This is a lesson that has been more than thirty years in the making for me. I’m turning forty this year (ack!) and I’m just coming to grips with the fact that I don’t handle stress well, that I’m not as strong as I thought I was and that all of the crap I went through growing up (rape, eating disorder, depression, suicide thoughts), all the things I learned about myself through those times I can now use to try to help my children as they face their own emotional issues.
It’s okay to not be okay. I keep telling myself that I need to be strong right now, that I need to find a way to hold it all together…but I think the truth of the matter is that I don’t have to be all that strong. I don’t have to always hold it together. That it’s okay to show my daughters that not always being okay is in fact okay.
It’s been a rough month. A month of tears and heartache and confusion. A month of deadlines and expectations and responsibilities. A month of fear and worry and sleepless nights.
It’s been a month where I’ve pulled back online and have shut my computer off. I’ve sat in my chair, blanket wrapped around me and prayed for help, for peace and for guidance. I’ve found different things to make me smile, I’ve eaten probably way too much cake and drank more than my share of coffee. But most of all…it’s been a month where I’ve looked deep into my heart and have accepted that I don’t have to be all the stuff I can’t possibly be at this moment.
Life is about moments. Moments to cherish. Moments to remember. Moments that make a difference. I could look back on all the moments that I should have noticed, all those moments that I had been a better mother I might have caught the signs…but there’s nothing gained by doing that. All I can do is celebrate all the moments I have now, on a go forward basis and be the best mom/wife/woman I can be…in this moment.
Even if I’m not okay. Because, that is also okay.
One day, this awful month will be behind me. One day, this time in our lives will be considered the past. One day, we’ll be able to look back as a family as see where we all changed – for the better.
I’m often asked how I can write characters that seem so real, where their pain is personable and it’s easy for readers to put themselves in my characters place…if you’ve managed to read to the end of this post, you’ll now know the answer to that. It’s because the pain is real and very personable to me and for me.
Kudos to you, Steena, for writing such a brave post. Families go through all kinds of crises as they move through life together. Keep the lines of communication open and honest, seek counselling when you know it will help, and don’t ever give up hope. You can do this.
And always remember help, love and support are all just a whisper away.
As a mom to four daughters who are now young adults, I can tell you, there are days when it’s, “not a walk in the park.” It’s alright to not be their friend. Your girls are going through their own emotions of every day stress with their friends, school, homework, teachers, sports, whew! No wonder children are so different today than when I was growing up.
Your daughters have raging hormones, highs and lows, like a roller coaster. It’s hard being a parent now. I did the best I could with an alcoholic husband. He’s an ex now, and I’m not proud that my girls learned from their father that alcohol numbs the troubles for a bit, but the same troubles are there the next day. The anxiety, depression, guilty feelings of not doing enough, takes years to go away, if ever Sheena. I have had the same feelings of despair, numbness, pain, loss of friendships, because of my journey through life. If ever you want to email me, by all means, I’m here for you, Steena.God bless you and your family! One day at a time sweet Jesus!
Best regards,
Christy Davis
As the mother of two daughters and three step-daughters (and a step-son), I can relate! Our children are all now adults, but there were several years where I struggled with my own life-changing things going on and found they were a cake-walk compared to the teen angst in our household.
And now, with my first book coming out within a year, I still know that although my “dreams” can come true, what is always most important to me is my children’s happiness (and grand-kids happiness.) The struggle? We can’t always “fix” their problems… and all I can do is accept that sometimes things are going to be far from “okay.”
You are not alone!
As you know, mental illness is my world, and I’ve visited hell many times. But I’ve always come out the other side. I know it doesn’t feel that way when you’re on family lock down, but the bad days do end. Gradually light returns. And it is absolutely okay to not be okay. Denying negative emotions does’t make them going away–it simply pushes them under the carpet where they grow. Hugs, you amazing person. xox
It’s sometimes easier to put on a brave face than to admit we’re not OK. I think women/moms are pros at it. Thanks for being real, Steena. Your bravery will help others to be brave. Praying for you…
Praying for you as you go through tough times. Like most everyone I’ve also “been there and done that”
I can remember feelings of panic, guilt (I could have been a better mom), rising blood pressure and sadness. This isn’t how it was supposed to work out! But we all survived those times and can look back on them with sighs of relief. My teenage girls (and boys) are adults now raising their own teenagers …they can finally appreciate what I went through!
Praying for you as you go through tough times. Like most everyone I’ve also “been there and done that”
I can remember feelings of panic, guilt (I could have been a better mom), rising blood pressure and sadness. This isn’t how it was supposed to work out! But we all survived those times and can look back on them with sighs of relief. My teenage girls (and boys) are adults now raising their own teenagers …they can finally appreciate what I went through!
Amen, Sistah! We constantly need this reminder. I’ve also been going through a very rough patch with my life and my daughter. And right now, the pain is her pain. I’ve thought I have to keep it together for her. I have to be strong. And so my pain and tears have slipped through at the most inopportune times because we can only hold so much in. Hang in there and I will too. Sending you much mama bear love.
As a single Mom, my ex-husband decided it wasn’t fun any more leaving me with a 14 month old baby girl, I learned early on it was OK to be not ok. I learned you don’t have to look at all the days to come and say I must be strong. No, you only have to be strong for these 5 minutes, then the next five. Don’t try to look at the picture, but break it down to bite size pieces. And if at any of those 5 minute you look at it and say no it too hard, I can’t do it, I just can’t be strong for those 5 minutes that’s ok. There no failure. When those 5 minute are over, look at the next and asked yourself can I be strong for the next 5 minutes, if yes. Good for you! If not, still good for you, stop judging yourself so harshly, as Mom’s we hare hardest on ourselves, thinking we need to be strong all the time and for everyone. Sometimes it is OK to not be. Take care, be kind to yourself and you are right it is OK to not be ok.
Words to live by. every woman needs to read his.Thanks Steena.
I can honestly say I can relate to everything you have said. We have had a significant crisis in our family this month, and all I can do is do everything I can (and become ‘that’ mum in order to get any help). It has been discouraging and I feel like I hit walls where ever I turn, that she has to hit rock bottom before anyone will help her. It’s like me as a nurse saying yes, we know you have cardiac problems, but we’ll wait until you arrest before we do anything about it. Thankfully I have a couple of really strong people standing with us and pushing with us. And I hope things will get better. Thanks for sharing, it helps to know we’re not alone. Take care!
Hugs to you, Steena. So much I want to say, but just know that it gets better. And you’re right, it’s okay not to be okay.
Thank you Kristin – I really appreciate just knowing it does get better!