For the past three years, I can say with confidence I’ve lived through hell.
Have I survived? That remains to be seen. Most days, I would say yes. Some days, the answer is no.
Today, it’s a no.
For the past three years, my family has walked through the minefield of teenage suicidal tendencies and only now do I have permission to share with you how hard this has been.
Normally, I’m an open book when it comes to my life. I believe in transparency and if what I’m going through can hep someone else, then I’ll be the first in line to share what I’m struggling with or what I’ve leaned. A few times I’ve been able to give you a glimpse of what it’s like dealing with a mental health situation, and there are those of who you have held my hand, given me hugs and shared with me your own stories.
I can’t even begin to describe what a life saver that has been.
I had to wait until my middle daughter was okay with me speaking publicly about our ordeal. Above all, I want to respect her and her journey.
She’s in such a better place today than she was three years ago and it makes this momma’s heart lighter to see the smile on her face and hear her laugh with excitement.
But this journey wasn’t all about her.
There’s this saying:
You don’t know what you don’t know.
It’s so true.
When someone you love struggles with suicide, you have no idea how to help them. You feel lost, bereft, empty and helpless. There’s nothing you can say, nothing you can do to save them, and that’s the hardest thing to realize.
As a mother, it’s my job to protect my daughter – but how can I protect her from her own mind? How do I combat the voices in her head and the feelings in her heart? How do I show her that she is loved and wanted and worthy? That living is better than dying and that it does get better, eventually?
All I wanted to do was wrap her tight in a hug, but she wouldn’t accept my hugs, my words of love, or even my support. I was her biggest cheerleader and her strongest punching bag.
Looking back, I can see how I floundered in quicksand, how I lived in a daze and all the mistakes I made. But looking back never does anyone any good. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and move forward. Right?
For every two steps forward, I seem to take one step back. Even now, three years later when my daughter is in a much better place.
The effects of suicide never disappear. Even when the one with the tendencies is healthier. That’s something I still seem to be learning.
There’s a ripple affect that continues on and I’m not sure it ever go away.
Earlier, I mentioned today was a day I wasn’t sure I’ve survived my walk through hell.
I made a lot of mistakes these past three years. One of those mistakes was not fully seeing and accepting how much this journey has affected my oldest daughter.
Today, my heart is heavy with guilt because I sacrificed the many to save the few. Or in this case, I was so focused on my own daughter that I didn’t see how my other two daughters were affected.
My daughter is alive despite her multiple suicide attempts. I will thank God for that every day for the rest of my life.
But today, I’m going to continue to ask for the strength to walk through this valley as I listen to the hurt, the anger, the pain in my other daughter’s heart.
One day, we will be a healed family. One day, we will be able to look back and be proud of how we survived without crumbling. One day…
You don’t know what you don’t know…I need to remind myself of that before I let the guilt wear me down.
For the next little while, I hope you will take this journey with me as I am finally able to share with you all we’ve done through as a family.
My hope is that it can help someone – feel less alone, let them know they are doing the best the can, and that there is hope. Because there is…hope.
Ohmygod, this post broke my heart. I’m so sorry you have been going through this – and are likely still dealing with the repercussions. All we can do with our children is love them and be consistent. It’s not like they come with a manual. I hope your babies are safe, and that you are doing your own self-care and counseling through this.
You have to ask yourself, If I had to do it all over again, would I do it the same way. My oldest son was diagnosed with leukemia 3 weeks before he turned 11 and was given a 30% chance to survive 5 years. While I stayed in the hospital with him, my middle son,who was 2 1/2 at that time, was passed around between my sisters and my husband. And every time they brought him to the hospital to see me, when they got ready to leave, he screamed and cried as they wretched him out of my arms. And it broke my heart every time. And even though he was loved and well taken care of, all he wanted was his mudder. (He couldn’t pronounce mother) He also informed me when he turned 5, that he never wanted to turn 10. Because when you turn 10 you get one of those tubes put in your chest like his brother.
So would I do it the same way again? Yes. Do I feel guilty about it? Some days. Did my oldest son survive? Yes, he will be 43 in a few months, but just last year they found that now he has a benign brain tumor. We will survive.
We do what we can for our kids, because we love them. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t feel guilty. Just keep moving forward one day at a time. Stay strong. Keep the faith. And “Treat every day as a new adventure because you never know what tomorrow might bring.”
This is exactly what I needed to hear today! Thank you!
Oh, Steena. I’m so sorry for what your family has gone through. As someone who has also gone through (different) big stuff with their kids, I know that guilt accompanies every decision–there never seems to be a “perfect” balance. All we can do is do the best we can. One of my good friends always reminds me to “be gentle with yourself.” In fact, I needed to hear that so much that I made a desktop wallpaper with it to constantly remind me. You can download it for yourself, if you want. Here: https://www.talenawinters.com/desktop-wallpapers (It’s near the bottom.)
We all have “stuff” in our story. No one gets a free pass, and if we didn’t have “stuff”, we would never learn the things we need to learn to help others. It’s a weird cycle, and I’m not saying that it’s a good thing that we have to go through horrible things. But God makes it all beautiful. That’s just what he does.
Hang in there. Much love and hugs to you and your family as you walk this road. None of you are walking it alone.
We aren’t walking this alone! You are right.
Steena, I am so glad you decided to share this part of your life with us. You are a courageous woman and have stood strong in a scary place with your daughter. I am so glad to know she is in a better place. You did what you had to do for your daughter. Hopefully, in time, your oldest daughter will understand. I have a feeling if it had been her you would have done the same thing for her that you did for her sister. You are a hero as far as I am concerned. My sister committed suicide.
I am so sorry Sandra! My heart goes out to you and I wish I could give you a hug right now!
Much love to you and your family Steena. Praying God’s love and peace envelops you all as you continue to heal ♥️
Thinking of you. What challenges you have had recently. I pray for your family and continued healing.
Steena, there are so many words I could say and so much I could relate from my own experiences with suicidal thoughts and actions…..maybe when I see you on the 9th of May….Just know my heart and everything in me, sends you continuous love and healing energy. Not only to you, but also to your entire family. The struggle is real and continuous. You and your family WILL come out stronger and better as you continue this journey.
Much Love and continuous hugs!
Thank you! Hugs to you too!
My heart and love are with you. I completely know what you are feeling and the depth of those emotions and fear. I pray that the journey to wellness for everyone continues as you all deal and cope with all the underlying struggles to become whole again. My son is bipolar and it is a wicked battle for child and parents to fight. Unfortunately, fear becomes our constant companion.
If you have a NAMI (National Association for Mental Illness), please avail yourself of all they have to offer. The knowledge you garner from their classes will help you in ways you never thought possible. They sure did for me!
Thank you Paula!
Love, hugs and prayers for you and yours ❤️?
My heart goes out to you for all you’ve been through! It’s hard to think of how it’s affecting the other siblings when trying to save the one. Hopefully, in time with a little extra attention they will understand you would have done the same for each one of them. That you LOVE them all the same! Praying for you and your family!
Hugs to you!
Oh Steena. Oh my heavens. I can’t imagine what you have been going through and what your daughter (and other two daughters) have been going through. It takes a wonderful family to help someone out of that. You are proof of that. Yes, it is ongoing. The struggle is real. Thank you for sharing and I’ll be praying for you all! Hugs.
My heart goes out to you and you family ? We have had 2 sucides in our family less than 2 years apart ? Two adult brothers. It has affected siblings and their spouses and 2 generations of nieces and nephews. The pain NEVER. Goes away you just learn to live with it? Prayers to you and your family ???
Oh Steena I am so sorry. I am also so happy that your little girl is ok. It’s a struggle for you both. When I was 17 I was going to take my life. I was in a very abusive house with a mother how hated me. I had been molested by her husband, not my dad, when I was only 9 years old then he tried again when I was 16, almost 17. She would attack me and verbally abuse me and had since I can remember. That day something in me broke, or got fixed one. I turned back. I was ready and willing to defend myself if it meant one of us would die. But I did decide to just leave. I walked out her door and never looked back. Your daughter is lucky to have a real mother. One who cared deeply. All of your daughters are lucky. At the time your middle daughter needed you more and realistically the other two should realize that. But it’s hard. Being a mother, a real mother, is hard. I did everything in my power to insure my daughter never saw any kind of abuse. That she knew she was loved more than life. She does by the way. My husband is the reason I am here now. I called him when I left Opal’s house and have been with him ever since. He honestly saved my life. I was going to go somewhere and end it all. But he answered the phone and left work to come get me. We’ve been married almost 41 years and been together since I was 17, almost 18. I’m 60 now so I think I made the right choice. I hope and pray that your daughters will all be ok. I hope and pray that the middle one is able to find peace and know she’s loved and cherished deeply. I’m sure she will though. I’m sure you will do whatever it takes to see that she has what she needs to get better. God Bless you all. Hugs sweet lady to you all.
Linda…you are amazing and so strong!
I can feel this pain with you as my daughter is in the same place as your daughter. I know how our focus on one child can affect our other children. I know how as mothers we try to do what all we can and know to do to help them. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family always. Stay strong.
Sue, you are your family are in my thoughts and prayers!!
You and your children are in my prayers. You stay strong too.
My heart goes out to you. ❤️
Take care… Tough times